Pagliacci

    Illustration by ig: Ozzy

by Calista Dirdja

When I was a kid
I used to go to a small circus
in my village with my grandma.
She couldn't afford any show in the tent
except for cotton candy
and an act from a clown.

"His name is Pagliacci," she said,
every kid around me was laughing at him
over his face and witless acts.
Another day I came in,
and watched him again
inside a circle of people surrounding him
he showed his acts to the world
making funny jokes and silly faces
he ran around the circle
dancing with hands on the waist
smiling on his mask
and he came at me for seconds
said, "No, Pagliaccio non son, dear."

It's the closest distance ever
between me and him
and I saw his ruffles, radiated sad eyes
hid behind his mask
and then he went slowly, moved around,
entertaining all the thirsty eyes -
shouting, clapping, begging –
one more.

I didn't know precisely
what emotion I felt at that moment
but was I stunned
with my cotton candy in my right hand
as all the kids' giggles 
blended in the circus music
were fading out. 

***

I have finally realized
as I grow up, the memory of him
lingers in my mind.
Pagliacci is the symbol of how silly life can be -
the face you showcase;
the way you dress
all the things people show to impress,
it's all part of the circus
and the play we made
behind every sadness and mess –
we're all Pagliacci.