a storiette: Home

by: Calista Dirdja

The clock struck at midnight. I’d tried to slumber, but my mind was too loud to let me sleep. I decided to get out of my bed and made a cup of hot lavender tea. I sat on my bay window looking out at the city lights from my apartment. This city hit differently without the crowd. I sipped my tea which was still warm, very soothing, very calming, like the city in a restful mode. 

I moved to this apartment five years ago, leaving my family, leaving my chaotic old life – alone. I chase dream after dream, leaving behind every reason I had not to stay broke financially and, more significantly – psychologically. I chose to create my own path and built my queendom. I believed that humans were designed to be the most brilliant survivors in this world. That’s what I’d done these past five years. Survived. I fell down, I begged on my knees, and I walked alone, but I survived anyway. I learned and I improved. I lost, but I found. And I moved on. 

I took another sip of my tea. It’s funny, every sip of it contained soothe and memories. On the other hand, it made me calm and relaxed, but it also made me grieve and mellow. Memories belonged to the past, and I wasn’t fond of the past. On the land of tomorrow, that’s where I belong. I saw a few cars on the street – some might just have their overtime done, got back from a nightclub, or had their papers done in a coffee shop. Who truly knew? The only thing that was almost certain was that they were heading to the same destination: home.  

Home. Such a lovely, warm word. I’d been moving on and going far away. I almost forgot what home was. It’s more than just a literal meaning. I missed the feeling of being home with my family. Yet, there’s always something that prevented me from it. Disappointments. Broken trust. Over and over again. Trust that was supposedly a power to become a stronger family had turned into distrust and an ironic goodbye. Home then belonged to the past. And like I said, I wasn’t a big fan of the past. I sought out tomorrow.

My body was literally in my apartment, but my mind was spirited away. I found myself standing upon a rocky mountain looking at the dim horizon. The sun almost set. It seemed like it almost drowned all my pain and sadness into the abyss, which I hoped so - thus I could sleep better tonight. 

Like a song that suddenly resonated, no matter how I managed to stop it, there’s always a small part from the past that kept recalling. It sang the lyrics of the old days and made me sad. This small part could ruin the big part of my life. Perhaps that’s not small any longer. Sick people took medication to stop the pain, but in my case, it never killed the pain. It just eased the pain. Tomorrow was my medication. And my medicine now had stopped working. 

I’m so tired of myself, so tired of asking why, so tired of running away.  

Perhaps it’s because I didn’t know anymore what’s better for me tomorrow. I just missed home. But I couldn’t go home. I lost control, and I felt no clue at all. 

I took a deep breath and finished my lavender tea. I had always loved tea. They said tea heals. No dwelling on past mistakes. I walked back to my bed whilst my AirPods on my ears. I chose to play Heal by Tom Odell. Lyrics by lyrics, tears welled up, rolling down my cheeks.

 

Take my mind and take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, heal, heal ♫

 

I wish I could have healed. Or, at the very least, I would find a better home.